Hopes

Dear you, I think writing this is the only way to tell you how much you mean to me without you seeing it. Yes, you won’t but maybe you will. (I secretly hope you do.)

Of all the people I knew, you were one of the few with the kindest hearts. Sadly, time didn’t like us much. It was a strange time when we met each other, a strange time when I fell for you.

They say you shouldn’t trust words without actions but I fall to easily with words. I fell for your words without knowing you that much yet. But inside me, I knew that was real because I’m not too blind to see that.

Timing’s a badass tho. I waited for you, hoping that one day you’ll start something. But it didn’t happen. And so I gave up on you. I told myself that I was just waiting for something that will never happen. So I tried to forget you. So I opened my heart again. I tried not to miss out on the wonderful opportunities that waits for me.

There were a couple of guys who I fancied back then. Others didn’t work out because the feelings weren’t mutual. Others did.. but ended up ending anyway because of me. Do you have an idea why?

Because somewhere deep down, though I try to hide, though I try to forget, my heart will always be searching for you.

Do you know that I waited and waited for you but you never came? Do you know that I always get stunned whenever I see you? Every time. At school and at the streets. Every single time. Do you know that after seeing you again, I was so afraid to walk anywhere because I might see you with someone else. Because if I do, that would already be the end of me. Do you know that if I would be given the chance to go back to the past, I would repeat December 19, 2014? Do you know why? Because that was the day you finally came. That was the day I would never forget and I would gladly repeat if given the chance. That was the day I had a touch of heaven. So if ever you see me again on the street smiling alone, it’s probably because I was thinking about that day. Do you know what day I would also repeat? March 21, 2015. Because it is One Direction’s concert and I got VIP tix? Nah. Because I regret saying what I said to you so damn much. I’m so sorry. If I didn’t say that, would it change the present? Would it change things? Because when I tried.. when I asked you out to make it up to you, I didn’t expect that. I didn’t prepare myself for that.

The day that I saw you again, I knew it. I knew why it didn’t work out with anyone else. I wasn’t able to forget you again anymore. There was never a day that passed that I never thought of you.With you I saw and felt butterflies, rainbows, and glitters of radiant colors. With the other guys, I never felt that way again. Something’s always missing. Something’s always lacking.

Is it possible to fall for someone you hardly know? I believe it is.

I know that merely seeing this would barely make a difference between us. I know that this wouldn’t change your feelings towards me and the way you see me. I know that you alone can dictate your own heart.

I just want you to know that wherever you are right now, whatever you are doing, I am still thinking of you. Constantly. Again, there will never be a day that will pass without you crossing my mind. You’re my free time, my vacant period.

Every single day, I am praying for your success and your happiness. I pray that you achieve your dreams and goals in your life. I pray that things will always go your way, I pray that you may receive good health and safety.

What will happen to us, only God knows. I won’t lie this time.. that I’m still wishing and hoping that one day you’ll come knocking at my door. I’m still hoping that one day it would be you and me. That you are the one I’ve been waiting for my entire life. Hoping that everything will be worth it. Hoping that I would live a life of happiness with you.

But there is no certainty. There is no guarantee. That it would be you, that it would be us.

Someone can love be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready. – Nayyirah Waheed

Yes. I’m holding on to that quote. I told myself to leave but no matter how hard I try to tell myself to leave, I would end up coming back to the bridge every day to wait for you. But know that I am trying my best not to wait for you.

I wrote this because I want you to know how much you mean to me without me telling you directly. Because I’m not brave enough to tell you this. I wrote this because I’m still hoping that things will change if ever you see this.

I am still waiting for you. And I promise I will be patient. I promise I will wait no matter how long it takes. If ever you are already taken by someone else, please let me know. Because that would be my go signal to leave the bridge.

You don’t rush things you want to last forever.

Know that whatever God plans for us, whatever happens in this life, you will always have a space in my heart. And it will stay there forever.

A Heart For Two

It’s been a long time since I last posted a blog here. Well, it’s a Saturday and I have nothing to do so I checked this out again. My fourth year high school life is going well. I’m starting to love my class. There have been lots of changes too. Well, not much really. I’m still friends with my friends. I’m still in love with the PERSONS I love. No, just kidding. The truth is, I don’t understand my heart anymore. There are two guys I think I’m in love with. One is taken and one is not. One is my best friend and one is my close friend.

The person I liked and loved since the fifth grade is my best friend now. Just thinking of eveything I’ve been through with him makes me smile. For years, God brought me to this situation. I’m really thankful. He’s like my bestest friend at present.

Then here’s my former sixth grade classmate, my close friend whom I call ‘Kapatid’ (sibling.) He’s someone who’s important to me. The second person I fell in love with. I regret some of the memories I had with him. How we started was a perfect question and a wrong answer at a very wrong time. I never knew if that question was serious. I fell in and out of love with him a lot of times and at present, my heart’s feeling so idle.

My best friend’s taken but I still love him. On the other hand, as much as I want to deny this fact, it seems like my close friend is growing apart from me and from us little by little. Since my ‘big brother’, his cousin, started to withdraw from school because soon they’re leaving for Canada, I can’t spend much time with Kapatid anymore. Oh and by the way, they’re leaving too someday. I miss him. I do miss him a lot. We still talk sometimes but the time we spend with him lessens and lessens. I will miss him.

I can’t express how much I love or maybe like ‘M’ when I’m with my best friend. I think he feels jealous? I’m not sure but the situation seems like that. I really don’t know if I still love my close friend but I’m sure of one thing – I will kill me to lose him.

I will kill me to lose the both of them. They have become very close to my heart and I don’t want anyone to leave because for sure, I won’t. I will never ever leave. Once they’re in my heart, they’re there forever.

Anyway, what’s going on now is something I should feel thankful for. After crying and crying, here I am, smiling and loving my life again. Free of worries and I don’t feel hurt anymore. Is it because I don’t love Kapatid anymore? And because I’m spending more time with my best friend? I don’t feel so affected anymore. I’m happier this way.