Hopes

Dear you, I think writing this is the only way to tell you how much you mean to me without you seeing it. Yes, you won’t but maybe you will. (I secretly hope you do.)

Of all the people I knew, you were one of the few with the kindest hearts. Sadly, time didn’t like us much. It was a strange time when we met each other, a strange time when I fell for you.

They say you shouldn’t trust words without actions but I fall to easily with words. I fell for your words without knowing you that much yet. But inside me, I knew that was real because I’m not too blind to see that.

Timing’s a badass tho. I waited for you, hoping that one day you’ll start something. But it didn’t happen. And so I gave up on you. I told myself that I was just waiting for something that will never happen. So I tried to forget you. So I opened my heart again. I tried not to miss out on the wonderful opportunities that waits for me.

There were a couple of guys who I fancied back then. Others didn’t work out because the feelings weren’t mutual. Others did.. but ended up ending anyway because of me. Do you have an idea why?

Because somewhere deep down, though I try to hide, though I try to forget, my heart will always be searching for you.

Do you know that I waited and waited for you but you never came? Do you know that I always get stunned whenever I see you? Every time. At school and at the streets. Every single time. Do you know that after seeing you again, I was so afraid to walk anywhere because I might see you with someone else. Because if I do, that would already be the end of me. Do you know that if I would be given the chance to go back to the past, I would repeat December 19, 2014? Do you know why? Because that was the day you finally came. That was the day I would never forget and I would gladly repeat if given the chance. That was the day I had a touch of heaven. So if ever you see me again on the street smiling alone, it’s probably because I was thinking about that day. Do you know what day I would also repeat? March 21, 2015. Because it is One Direction’s concert and I got VIP tix? Nah. Because I regret saying what I said to you so damn much. I’m so sorry. If I didn’t say that, would it change the present? Would it change things? Because when I tried.. when I asked you out to make it up to you, I didn’t expect that. I didn’t prepare myself for that.

The day that I saw you again, I knew it. I knew why it didn’t work out with anyone else. I wasn’t able to forget you again anymore. There was never a day that passed that I never thought of you.With you I saw and felt butterflies, rainbows, and glitters of radiant colors. With the other guys, I never felt that way again. Something’s always missing. Something’s always lacking.

Is it possible to fall for someone you hardly know? I believe it is.

I know that merely seeing this would barely make a difference between us. I know that this wouldn’t change your feelings towards me and the way you see me. I know that you alone can dictate your own heart.

I just want you to know that wherever you are right now, whatever you are doing, I am still thinking of you. Constantly. Again, there will never be a day that will pass without you crossing my mind. You’re my free time, my vacant period.

Every single day, I am praying for your success and your happiness. I pray that you achieve your dreams and goals in your life. I pray that things will always go your way, I pray that you may receive good health and safety.

What will happen to us, only God knows. I won’t lie this time.. that I’m still wishing and hoping that one day you’ll come knocking at my door. I’m still hoping that one day it would be you and me. That you are the one I’ve been waiting for my entire life. Hoping that everything will be worth it. Hoping that I would live a life of happiness with you.

But there is no certainty. There is no guarantee. That it would be you, that it would be us.

Someone can love be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready. – Nayyirah Waheed

Yes. I’m holding on to that quote. I told myself to leave but no matter how hard I try to tell myself to leave, I would end up coming back to the bridge every day to wait for you. But know that I am trying my best not to wait for you.

I wrote this because I want you to know how much you mean to me without me telling you directly. Because I’m not brave enough to tell you this. I wrote this because I’m still hoping that things will change if ever you see this.

I am still waiting for you. And I promise I will be patient. I promise I will wait no matter how long it takes. If ever you are already taken by someone else, please let me know. Because that would be my go signal to leave the bridge.

You don’t rush things you want to last forever.

Know that whatever God plans for us, whatever happens in this life, you will always have a space in my heart. And it will stay there forever.

Hello 2013!

Instead of saying “Please be great” to this year, I say I know you’ll be a great and awesome year for all of us, 2013! I can feel it! Even before the year was about to start, I was so happy, I don’t know why.

I can say that our past celebrations of Christmas and New Year were merrier and happier. We’re still happy this year, though. It’s just that something’s missing. We don’t do the other things that we usually do before.

This year, I expect some changes in my life. I want to be more focused. I get too distracted with too many things. My main priority should be my studies but I engage myself in an extra curricular activity which is playing the violin. This is somewhat an obstacle to my main goal because we practice everyday. From four in the afternoon until seven in the evening. It’s like I’m giving an extra challenge to myself because considering that my course is quite hard, I even have time to do other activities within my school hours, supposedly. But it’s hard to let go of my Orchestra family now. Playing the violin is my passion. For years, I’ve dreamed of playing an instrument but it only came true after two years. I just can’t let this go easily. Whenever I reach home, I’d often feel sleepy after I eat dinner, I can’t stay up too long to do my home works and review for my quizzes the following day. I do drink coffee sometimes but I hate the effect it gives to my body. I end up feeling weak or sleepy during the morning, which is not a good thing because I can’t pay attention to my instructor.

I want to learn how to balance my time effectively. Last semester, I was really disappointed with myself because I wasn’t able to manage my time well. I didn’t fail in any of my subjects but my grades were quite low. I gave myself a second chance but it only got worse. Now, I’m giving myself a third chance. New year, new chances. I just hope that I won’t let myself down this time. Quitting in the Orchestra wouldn’t be an option for me. I can’t imagine life without that right now.

I want to give importance to all the things that matter in my life. Sometimes, I fail to see what is more important in my life. Just like what I’ve said earlier, I get distracted easily and I do more of the things that pleases me rather than the things that benefits me in my studies. I end up regretting in the end. I want to change this year. I want all my bad attitudes to be removed. I wish it’s just a snap away.

I want to spend more time with my family and friends. I hope I can this year. Ever since I stepped on to the university grounds, I had less time with my friends and family. Last semester, my day starts at seven thirty or eight thirty and always ends up at seven. I’d probably be home by eight. When I get home, I’ll eat dinner and go directly to my room. I don’t have a social life anymore. (Kind of. Really.)

I want to be more responsible. I think my biggest enemy is laziness and sleepiness. I also work very slow. I want all these to change within me.

Looking back to all these “resolutions”, I realized that it’s all related to my academic life. I do hope that I can change this year because I want to make my parents proud. They give me what I ask for and they love me no matter what. I want to make them proud of me this year. And for the following years to come until I graduate. They have big expectations and I should really do my best.

This time, not relating to my academic life. I really want to learn how to do the proper vibrato. (It’s a hand technique in playing the violin.) I really admire our seniors in the Orchestra because they really are great violin players. I know I can still do better since it’s just a year since I started playing the violin.

I want to have more Paris and London things. Hihi. I’m in love with those places and I told myself that I’m going to see those places someday, when I’m already a doctor. (Fingers crossed!)

I want to learn how to speak French and Korean. I already know the basics in Korean writing but I don’t know how to speak it. Haha. Oh well. If only I have the time to learn.

Besides studying and playing the violin, I also want to devote my time in reading novels and writing in my blogs every once in a while. If only there was more time.

Leanne, please change. But stay thoughtful, optimistic, and God-fearing. Hihi. I know this is going to be a good year. This year is one of the endless chances that you have to prove yourself to the world. God Bless! I know I can do it. I know I can make it. I know this year will be great! 🙂

Happy New Year! Happy 2013 to all! I know this will be a good year to all of us! 🙂